Sunday, October 21, 2007
I've learned something else in recent weeks. Unless I plan on becoming a kept woman (which I don't; price is too high)...earning my living by making crafts...any crafts...will be subsistence living at its best.
I've experienced yet another series of ups and downs these last few weeks including moderate-to-severe depression, constant anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and confusion...and so forth. I realized that I was feeling stuck. No longer did I feel I was "in transition" as I like to tell people since my grand departure 1-1/2 years ago from life-as-I-knew-it in Washington State.
Nope. Forget transition. I had become "hopelessly stuck in the mud"...or so I thought.
I had a significant dream last night. By the way, I always know which dreams are messages from my subconscious. Without fail, significant "heads up" dreams always include water; and all my other dream types (playful fantasy or unrealistic fears, as examples) don't. Anyway, the dream went like this:
I was in a swamp slogging through mud which came up to my knees. The going was rough and slow. I felt frustrated and angry at myself and very lost. [switch to me viewing myself from above] I observe where I had strayed from the path by the beach into the muddy swamp some distance back. "I took a wrong turn" I grumbled to myself. "Now I'm stuck in the mud and I don't know how I'm ever going to make it out of here."
From my other-self aerial vantage point, I could see the beach in the distance with a gentle surf beckoning. I see there is a series of vines hanging in the air between my muddy self below and the calm beach. [end of aerial view; return to self in swamp]
I look up and grab hold of one vine and swing myself with ease to the next...and the next...towards the beach. Yeah, it was fun! [end of dream]
And then I woke up. And all was clear. I have been interested in making crafts (weaving being my latest love) since childhood. I have been gritting my teeth with determination for over a year now, learning things here and there, plotting and planning, and trying to figure out how I'm ever going to pay the bills doing what I love. I thought this was what I was meant to do and had to make it work somehow. I worked myself into a dither. In fact, I was on the couch with a severe migraine for most of this last week.
The thing is, I love doing lots of things; and crafts weren't my only childhood dream. I've been trying (yet again) to force a square peg into a round hole. Earning money with crafts might have worked well in the past assuming I had a supportive husband (for example), but I'm in a different situation now.
The beauty of the dream was the reminder to LOOK UP and remember I'm only as stuck as I think I am. I was thinking of the mud because I was focused on the mud. I can now widen my view. A cool and relaxing breeze is blowing through my mind. I have opened myself up to other choices with confidence. I don't have to give up my crafts, but they don't solely define my talents and interests either.
When the time is right, I'll let you know where the vines take me. I'd really hate to put "my plans" in black and white and start struggling with that stupid square peg again.
Be well, y'all.